Single in a married church
Recently my friend Razzlered shared a link with me. Here it is: http://singlemormongirl.wordpress.com/2007/12/18/how-to-spot-a-player/. It was amusing. I won't comment on what she was trying to say about me with that link; rather, I want to focus on the blog it was posted on. It is called "The Single Mormon Girl's Guide to Life." Interesting title. So I read on.
Upon perusing the site, I ran across another post that describes a conversation that I've had more times than I care to count. Here is the post: Yes Ruth, I'm STILL Single.
The post is a bit long, so if you don't want to read it, and even if you do, here is the part that I refer to. It is a conversation that the author, Miss Jones, had with a distant and elderly relative, Ruth, at a wedding reception:
Me. Sitting at a table with non-distant relatives. Chat chat chat. Ruth sits down next to me. More chat chat chat. Friendly friendly friendly. THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, out of NOWHERE, Ruth hits me with a zinger.
"SO, ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?" she asks.
SILENCE around the whole table as all eyes look my way. 'What will the crazy single girl say?,' people wonder…
Me: "Yup."
Me, again mostly to break the awkward SILENCE: "So Ruth, are you STILL SINGLE???" By the way, Ruth is like a 70+ year old widow (and her husband has been dead for 20+ years).
Ruth laughs and says, "Yes."
Me: "Well I’ll keep my eyes open for a nice man for you to marry."
Conversation over. Two points Ruth. Ten points Miss Jones.
I have so been there. Relatives love to ask if I am married in front of everyone. Somehow it is uncomfortable. I am not married. Does that mean I have erred in someway that I don't understand? Am I a failure and didn't know it? Hah! I love that Miss Jones scores against the gauche Ruth. That's right. I said it.
Here's something unsettling. When I get that question. You know, the "are you married yet?" or the "do you have any kids?" or "when are you getting married?" I am likely to respond with a strong "NOOOOO" or "heck no" or "never ever." Now, between you and me, my single comrades, I do plan on marrying and having children. I just find that strong aversion to the subject means less discussion on the topic. Now to my point. If it is a married man that asked me the question, and I answer with a strong negative, they will often come back with a "smart man" or a "don't give in" comment. This does little to instill faith in the institution of marriage. Women, on the other hand, will either give a disapproving look or an understanding nod of 'hang in there, it'll happen for you.' Personally, I'd prefer not to discuss it altogether, thanks.
I cannot speak for all singles. My issue with not being married is not because I have a hard time finding companionship. But I guess we all have our reasons, and I, for one, think it would be nice not to have my single status thrown in my face tactlessly every time I go to a family reunion or a wedding reception. Being single should not carry a stigma.
posted by: | comments: 14
11 Dec 2009 8:59 pmcategories: Ranting | Dating
Maybe this is tacky, but I'd almost rather someone ask me if I am married yet--then I don't have to wonder if they've just assumed that I'm one of those weird, hopeless people no-one expects will ever get married. Because that is my secret fear, in spite of the evidence to the contrary I see just about every time I look in the mirror. Or if they're silently making inventory of all the reasons I'm not (because believe me, if perfection or general likeability equals marriage, I don't deserve it). I can just give them the look of contempt they deserve and watch them writhe in the uncomfortable knowledge that they have gone somewhere they probably shouldn't have.
And, because of my personality type, I like people to know how I think and feel, and if they ask me, I can tell them that I hate being single. Maybe some people can have a good attitude about it, but my good attitude towards the single life lasts about thirty minutes a day before it becomes again the gaping hole that it always will be.
Who would've thought I could be so vindictive?
But I see what you're saying, and I will never ask you if you're married yet.
Vindictive. Hm. That seems like the wrong word somehow.
You bring up an interesting point. It is very different talking to other singles about marriage and single-hood than it is talking to marrieds. Maybe it is because we can commiserate or something. In any case, you can ask me anything anytime, Green.
Yeah, based on what I said, I think the appropriate terms would have been sad and frustrated.
I guess when I used the word vindictive, I was thinking of the time I was asked "What, are you not married yet?" and didn't think until much later that the reply that would have sufficed to express my feelings the best would have been,
"What, are you still married?"
Wait, a guy wrote this? A guy. For reals. Hallelujah, there is balance in this world!
Now that I've approached an age where some feel it's appropriate to refer to me as a "cougar" (which it isn't), I've come to terms with the fact that while being single at this age is not ideal, there are reasons why it's necessary. I know it won't be forever, and I know I have time for kids. I also know that I have a lot to offer someone, and that it's hard to trust all of that to just anyone. Dating in the US taught me about things I don't want in a companion, while dating in the CR has taught me what I do.
There is a social stigma that those who are older and single are single for a reason. Horse crap. In my opinion, older singles have the opportunity of time, and in that time many have spent it honing their independence, success, personal identity, and relationship with the Lord. Such life experience can come across as intimidating to others. But there's also a point in your upper 20's (I may just be speaking for myself) where you really have little patience for the younger YSA mentality, and that along with age causes the dating pool to shrink telescopically.
But the phrase "What? You're still single!?" shouldn't bear the meaning "What the heck is wrong with you!?" Really, it's "What the heck is wrong with them!?" Especially when it comes to fellow ranters. Why on earth haven't you guys been snatched up yet? It's their screw up, not yours.
Am I allowed to comment on this?
I would bet that when the question is asked it is only meant as a way of showing interest in your lives. Also, other people's love lives are much more interesting to talk about than weather or whatever.
So at the ripe old age of 27 and still single with no serious prospect of locking down my ring finger, I'll add my two cents in.
I would say that there seems to be more pressure applied to single Mormon than there is to me. For one thing, my denomination of Christianity does not place a high importance on an individual getting married, so I've never really received any pressure from my congregation on marriage. (however, one of the deacons of my church home recently said "we need to get you married off!" God bless him)
Family is a different thing. The closer the relationship in terms of blood, the less likely they are to ask goofy questions about girlfriends, wives and kids. The more distant great aunts and great uncles and such ask every time I see them "when are you getting married?" When I say "I don't know," the follow up is almost always "Do you even have a girlfriend yet?"
Thanks, y'all.
The closer relations, such as grandmothers, direct aunts and uncles, and especially your own sister and parents, the more clues I get that my romantic life is a huge topic of discussion whenever I'm not around.
Sometimes it seems that they have to be discussing the various happenings in my relations with the opposite gender on a daily basis. I wonder if they're somehow pulling my phone records so they can discuss how many texts I've sent and received from each girl, how many times I've called them and they've called me and how long we talked.
Somewhere there is a leader board with every single girl I know on it, and they all have meetings and move girls up on down on the list and, I'm sure, rate their approval or disapproval of said girl. When one gets married, they sadly strike her name from the ever shortening list of single girls that I know, shake their heads in dismay and disbelief, uttering short grunts and clicks of the tongue and observe a moment of silence for my continued singleness.
Dubya, I know the feeling exactly. That leader board bit had me in stitches, but I feel the same sort of attentions coming from my family. I am the only one left not married. And even though we feel more pressure as Mormons, it seems like you know exactly what we are feeling. "Do you even have a girlfriend yet?" Oh man, I fell out of my chair laughing at that one. I have heard it a few times myself.
Trooper, yes, you are allowed to comment on this; however, as much as I like the idea of my presence in a room being the most interesting thing to talk about, it seems like those people asking the tacky questions are mostly just nosy.
Giullieta, from my vantage point, I do not see anything wrong with any of my fellow ranters, with one exception: myself. I think there are some very good reasons that I am not married right now, not the least of which is because I have been running from that particular institution for some time now. I am no longer running, and I find myself with a couple of issues I still need to face, but I am fully confident that I will overcome them and that God is guiding me through this part of my life. You hit the nail right on the head when you said that we get tired of younger singles' mentality. Is it just me, or are most of them just plain dumb? Or perhaps it is that I see them through the lenses of my experience and can recognize the life lessons that they have yet to learn but that are so obvious to someone who has lived a while.
...Nah, they're dumb.
Um...
According to my religious culture and Jane Austen, I too am well beyond the prime years for idealized union prospects. It wasn’t until my later twenties that I realized being a single Mormon female was not going to define me…at least not negatively.
I have a few thoughts on marrieds and olds asking tacky questions and believe me I am certainly not above asking tacky questions but there is something truly disturbing about the pecking at a single’s heart affairs. After years of probing questions into my basically non-existent and often humorous love life, I realized that most of the questions were in fact sparks for discussion stemming out of curious boredom. It then occurred to me there is a green pasture complex on both sides of the marital status fence. I, being single, want to jump to the other side (well, sometimes) and often I find marrieds occasionally long to frolic in the freedom and excitement of single life. After all, I have a lot of fun and I don’t have to change any diapers. I really can’t blame them for feeling a bit jealous.
When it comes down it, an appreciation for life’s stages (not easily gained) is what helps me chuckle when single Aunt Ruth’s desire for adventure brings her to my single neck of the woods. Sit down, I’ll tell you some stories.
And as for young singles...really? Kids, calm down, have some juice, get back to me in a few years.
OK, clear the way, old man coming through...
Having successfully (or unsuccessfully as many of my relatives seem to wonder) navigated the roaring 20s, I feel it is my obligation and duty to spread wisdom to my fellow ranters.
First of all, anyone single and over the age of 21, in or out of the Mormon faith has probably had the "Dating anyone?" or "Why aren't you married?" conversation. It is an unwritten rule that relatives care about our welfare, whether we want them to or not.
Among Mormons this is especially tough, as marriage tends to define our status. I for one am constantly being compared to my cousins just a few months younger than me. One is married, 4 awesome kids, and a Bishop to boot. Do I wish to be him? Heaven forbid. The other, a successful lawyer, 2 kids, and a wife that is one of the best cooks I've met. (She blogs recipes, and they are awesome!) The girl among the cousins my age is a lawyer, hangs out with Supreme Court Justices, married a Harvard man, and is studying the U.S. Constitution at Oxford. (Go figure.) For me, I'm happy for all of them, they are my cousins and I love them despite their annoying quirks. You can imagine how comparisons abound. Do I get sick of being considered a 2nd Class Mormon at times? Of Course! Do I deal with loneliness? Constantly. But here is the secret... I know God loves me. I know he has a plan for me, and one day things will take care of themselves. There is no one, and no way to compare one's self with anyone else. God made us unique, and intends to keep us that way. Living the standards is different then conforming to the culture (Which isn't a bad thing, just not easy for some). There is no room for self-pity in life, it destroys far too many people.
As for those younger single adults that don't seem to get our situation. Let them not get it. Impart wisdom as you can, and where you can't, let it go. Try being chased around by a girl ten years younger who insists that if she is not married by 30, you can be her backup. Annoying beyond all reason, but got to let it go.
I guess my point is this, the Kingdom of Singledom can be an excruciatingly painful for lots of people, in many situations. Have faith in God, whatever your faith is, and know that he loves you, not your status. Same goes for those annoying relatives, their concern for your status is an expression of love for you.
Like our fearless leader, I think I have reasons I'm still single. Do I want to be married? Definitely! What I can't figure out is how to get the girls I like, to like me back. Or sometimes, how to get that one girl to even go on a first date. All in all, it gives me perspective I'm sure I'll need in the long run.
I should have totally named this post "The Kingdom of Singledom."
I've only been asked why I wasn't married yet once, that I recall. The individual was from the same family as the one who once asked me, "Why didn't you go to BYU?" My answer was similar in both instances: "Why should I?"
I don't have much of anything profound to add. I like being single. I have a feeling I'll like being married even more!
Here, here AZBoy.
And I don't know about everyone else, but I think there's a point where you stop taking the "when are you going to settle down?" questions so seriously. People are curious about the next step, it's inevitable. It doesn't mean that it's all they think about when they see you. It's just a character trait. If you don't like the nature of the questions, establish yourself as an individual whose personality goes far beyond your ring finger. Moving to a foreign country helps.
But yes, it is painful being single at this age, and I am grateful for the gifts Heavenly Father provides to comfort me during this time. Lately, it hasn't been the lack of companionship so much as the desire for children, family, and motherhood. I mean, that hurt came out of nowhere, but when it did it hit hard. Do guys go through the same thing? But I can deal with it because I'm blessed to be in a position where I get to interact with kids on a daily basis. My advice is this: when things get tough, hug a 4 year-old. Makes all the emotional boo-boos go away.
Calm down and have some juice?? I love it!
I think my point has been entirely missed. My point is to let the pain and the sadness go. Don't worry what others think, let them ask their questions. Answer honestly and don't run away. If you are comfortable with who you are, be yourself and don't let others dictate the way you feel about yourself. Feel what you feel, and be honest about it, but then let it go.