A New Resolve
Going home was weird. The American Christmas whirlwind is only just beginning to settle, but it’s bizarre to have built two completely separate identities that I can so quickly jump in and out of.
Here’s the problem. I regularly do stupid things that I know are stupid realizing that there will be little support from friends after I do the stupid thing because they initially told me it was stupid. But I do them anyway, because there’s this little itchy part of me that says “hey, maybe it’s not as stupid as it looks???” but of course, we all know it is.
So I kind of . . . sort of . . . hooked up with my ex while I was back home. I know, I know, sooo stupid. But the deluded part of my brain was telling me “you’ve changed, he’s changed, maybe you should try again. After all, you were a bitter wretch last time you were with this guy,” and wistful memories of the time we were together came flooding in. In the end I came to realize that it wasn’t really him that I was ever crazy about. It was his apartment in a 19th century house on capital hill. It was meeting him after work at his job downtown. It was the picture of John Cusack holding a stereo over his head on the wall next to the Bob Dylan records on his mantle. It was the music he listened to, the movies he liked, the books he read, the trivia he knew. All of the crap that looks so perfect on a facebook page, but means absolutely nothing when it comes to personal connection.
Now I’m left with a feeling of utter ickiness. Could this be due to the fact that I hooked up with my ex purely out of convenience knowing that the spark would neatly fizzle as soon as I went back to Prague? . . . Okay, partly . . . but it’s also from the realization that so many friendships and relationships have been based on such trivial crap. For years, I, and many like myself, have been using such criterion to determine interpersonal relationships. But all it does is fog up interactions that would have otherwise been exposed as a waste of time. Perhaps it’s about time I stepped off that bridge leading out of adolescence, though it’s strange what we hold on to in the name of comfort.
But I digress (as I so often do). Now that one relationship has died and I’m left looking at a blank slate ahead of me, I have to push the reset button on the part of my brain that hopes for a romantic future. I’m noticing that the letters on that button are beginning to fade, it’s been pressed so often. And last night, I was wondering why and whether that button was even necessary. So I called up my sister for some sisterly advice. We talked about dealing with age and not getting what we want. She’s 7 years my senior, but had her first child little over a year ago. She’s also one of the few people I trust to commiserate because she truly realizes my plight.
And this she says: that as women, particularly women in the church, more particularly women in the church with a patriarchal blessing, it’s easy to make the mistake of becoming engrained with a sense of entitlement. The belief that we deserve a husband a home and a family, and a great injustice is being done if we don’t get it. But God wants his children born into gospel-oriented families. He’s not holding them hostage from us. What he does is his business, and whatever reasons there may be, they’re his reasons.
She also told me that before she became pregnant, she had to give up that sense of entitlement. She described the moment when she was able to look at her husband and tell him that she’d be perfectly happy if it was just the two of them for the rest of their lives. And she knew that she really would be, and was finally able to stop worrying about whether or not it would happen for her.
I have to do that too. It’s a little harder, seeing as I can’t hold my own hand and look into my own eyes, and say I’d be happy even if it’s just us. Well I could, but . . . well anyway. Therefore I’m erasing all resolutions for the new year, and am making a new promise: I will go forward with the mindset that it may only ever be just me, and I will find a way to be happy with it.
That’s it. Little words, big commitment. It’s likely to take up most of my energy, so I’m loath to make additional promises. 2010 take 2, and action!
posted by: | comments: 5
24 Jan 2010 8:36 amcategories: Dating | Life observations
I have also been caught up in that trap of felling entitled. It is a tricky, tricky business, and it is so difficult to hand the reigns of your life over to God and tell him to drive even if, clearly, you aren't doing a very good job of directing it on your own. But if you can do that, things get way better every time.
So I say bravo to your new resolve. You go, girl!
P.S. I have always found it interesting that "criterion" was the singular and "criteria" the plural. That is all.
Funny you should post this just a week after I made an almost identical resolve for myself. I've been thinking about most of the same things (excluding a hookup with an ex), but including the entitlement thing.
A few months ago, I was in a pit of self-pity about being single, and I told a friend I just really wanted a man. She smiled sympathetically and said I deserved one--but then she changed her mind and said very realistically that actually, that was something no-one "deserved". The only things we are guaranteed in all this are life and agency, and we didn't really do anything to deserve them except make the right decisions when it counted the most.
And as hard as it is to go to Sunday school and listen to all the married people around me talk about "the joys of mortality" being exclusively about their marriage and their children, I have to face the fact, and be happy facing the fact, that even if I die single, I will still have received a thousand times more blessings than I ever deserved.
It's really humbling. And about two weeks ago, I finally did come to grips, and internalize, the possibility of being very, very happy as a single adult--not just because of the hope of getting married one day, but because I am supposed to be happy and have a lot of reasons to be.
I guess a big part of that was once and for all, truly understanding that it's not my fault. I didn't do something wrong, I didn't say something wrong, I didn't wear something wrong, or anything. There might be a reason for it, and there might not be a reason for it. I might be a little odd, but if oddness kept people from getting married, hardly anyone would be, because most of the odd people I know are married.
I just need to stop asking why and start planning for a future without a family--and right now that doesn't sound nearly as bleak as it used to. I really hope it lasts.
I also hope I haven't gone too personal with this. I'm a little uncomfortable with posting these types of things, but I needed to redeem myself for how negative I was the last time this topic was addressed here, and also I think you, Giullieta, are great for being so upfront about it all. It's a big commitment.
So good luck to all of us getting over whatever it is we feel entitled to.
I have read this post three times. It has stopped me in my tracks. I found myself saying this, to myself, "Uh, yeah I'm entitled to good man!! I am, for sure."
After the third read, I found myself saying, "I mean, I am entitled, right? Right?!"
What I do know is that if I live my life in accordance with God's law I will not be denied a single blessing, which includes an eternal family. That, is my birthright. I strongly believe this.
As for the 'now'...well, hm. Sounds like I have some thinking to do and perhaps a paradigm shift, long overdue.
I prefer to read your words over anyone else's. Please, Please, PLEASE let me have a copy of your book. I don't care what it's about as long as you are writing it!!
Woah, I meant to reply to everyone almost a month ago! Talk about procrastination!
Green - Thanks for the insightful comment. You're right on the money about receiving more than we deserve in this life. That's a key component in this paradigm shift. Yes, it's patronizing and frustrating when people insist that you focus on gratitude and service and make you feel bad about feeling bad. It's okay to feel bad, it's okay to be dissapointed. In fact, it seems like the attempts to distract myself from feeling bad are what make it worse. I've found that the first step is to allow myself to go through these feelings of dissapointment so that I can start the process of getting over it. And you know what? It really does make a difference (so far). And while I know that I'm big into the overshare on this website, the fact that I'm both connected but disconnected from all of you allows for a lot of freedom when communicating. I realize it's not the same for everyone here, but I'm thankful for having this outlet.
Razzlered - Please don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying that I'm allowing myself to lose hope. On the contrary, I think by coming to terms with a life lived on my own I would better prepare for sharing a life with someone else. It's a huge misconception that people complete each other. When it comes to marriage, I believe two wholes make a bigger whole. If I try to pretend that I'm not waiting for something to happen while holding on to the little voice in the back of my brain whispering "but you know it actually will" I'm preventing myself from making those final steps that allow me to become an emotionally complete person. The only way to do this is to really believe a life alone is a possibility, because frankly, it is. While I know it is a promised blessing, and I know I live according to God's laws, that eternal family may literally be a lifetime away. I have to be okay with that. Shel Silverstein expresses this beautifully: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZEkLrqo58I
Oh, I also forgot to mention that my sister was finally able to have her first child at the age of 35. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that many blessings come only after you've let go.
But entitlement is different from hope. It's like convincing yourself that you have a testimony of your own future, and how God is going to manifest it. Or at least, that's how I'm defining it for myself. This sense of entitlement is what leads to bitterness. It leads to the sinking feelings in Relief Society. It's what makes innocent but thoughtless comments feel like a personal attack. It's what makes the sight of children, loving couples, and happy families make you feel pangs that may even lead to anger and the inner "why can't that happen for me??" dialogue. Instead, I want to be happy for the people that recieve such blessings, not covetous. But of course, this is my resolve, and not an expectation for women in general. I'm not even sure if and when I can get there.
Trooper - Thanks so much, but I am hardly deserving of such praise. You'll be happy to know I've been working on something that I'm very excited about, and hopefully I'll be able to make even more progress this year than I did the last. Thanks for being my cheerleader. I don't know that I would have kept going if it weren't for the encouragement I've received from you guys.