Rant Fever 2.0

Should I stay or should I go now?

Okay, so I’ve stuck with it. I gave myself a new resolution, and I haven‘t let go. With steadfast determination, I’ve moved into the future, head held high, hopeful and confident, and prime for getting smacked in the face with the frying pan of fear. Did I say frying pan? I meant Mack Truck. It left me lying on the pavement, flattened and bewildered, wondering what the heck I’m supposed to do with my life. What HAVE I been doing with my life? Where the heck am I going with all of this??

At church today, one of the elder sister missionaries saw the lack of color in my face, and came up to talk to me. She put her arm around my shoulders and lovingly told me that everything was going to be alright. She then recommended a book about being an older single woman that she thought would offer some encouragement. I had to shake myself momentarily out of the month-long daze I’ve been in so that I could look at her and say “huh?” Then I actually started to laugh because for once, that subject was the one thing I hadn’t been thinking about. It was everything else that terrified me. But I did take a moment to pat myself on the back because I realized I had lost a great deal of sensitivity to such a comment. And then of course, I went right back to panicking.

I’m deadlocked. I’m living in one of the most beautiful parts of the world, after many emotional, biological and monetary sacrifices. Getting here, and moreover staying here was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life up to now. But it was worth it. I love, love, love this city, the countryside, the people, the cultural exchange. I hate, hate, hate being destitute, in a job with no future, without the language skills or educational background to find anything better. The thing is, I suddenly realized that if I’m going to be alone, I have to own my own life from beginning to end. That means real career, real home, real goals and real life planning. Not this grand exotic stalling tactic that is my life right now.

What am I supposed to do? Try to find a way to make this work in the long term? I thought that all I had to do was get here, and then I’d find a way to make it work. But I’m locked in this little cage called “language barrier” located in a cement room called “work visa” in a giant high security prison known as “non-eu citizenship” (stupid slavic language with too many declensions).

And I miss my family. Mostly my nephew. The day he was born was the happiest of my life, and I spent every day of his first year holding and playing with him as much as I could. Have I wasted the time I’ve been away from him? Now he has a little sister, and I’m going to miss watching her grow up too. I’ve started to wonder if the next best thing to having my own family would be to spend as much time as I can with them. But going home feels like admitting defeat. And if I do leave, I don’t know if I’ll ever have the chance to come back. Not to mention starting all over again, AGAIN. After living here, Denver sounds flat and ugly. No Saturday trips to quaint little villages, no castles, no berry picking in magical green forests. On one hand I’ve got family and the American economy, on the other I have beauty, culture, great public transportation and free healthcare (including dental). In what way should I nourish my life while cultivating a future? Ugh, my knees are going to be sore after this one. But just in case, ya’ll should come and visit while you can.

posted by: Giullieta | comments: 2
21 Feb 2010 6:32 pmcategories: Life observations